| the flashing at night, the sirens grow and grow |
[Jul. 1st, 2009|02:44 am] |
There is joy in the sorrow that intense beauty can bring.
With just words and a few sounds, I know a man who just reached into my soul and grabbed that deepest longing for truth and love and squeezed it in his gentle hands.
That's the place reserved for God, where God rests, and that's where the UFO sighting near Highland, IL nestled.
I've longed for a 'religious' experience for quite some time.
Really, I've mostly longed to just cry for no reason aside from being totally captured and enraptured by true beauty.
I only glimpse God every now and then, like the sun dancing behind passing clouds.
Sadly, I know that the clouds are my own, the works of my own hands and my own sins. But the Son still shines through.
There is no true darkness when the Light resides in me. I know this, but the darkness can be so overwhelming (and, sadly, sometimes so welcoming).
I want to run away from myself, like so many other days and nights.
I want to run into Truth and Love and live there for the rest of eternity. I'm tired of struggling against my flesh and stupidity.
I'm waiting for the fulfillment of so many prophecies.
But I know this is for my own good. This refining is for His glory and my good and if I merely persevere, there will be the reward.
Oh, but the refining fire is so hot and the potter's hand can be so heavy when shaping me.
Really, I'm just silly and stubborn and wretchedly obstinate.
I love you, I really do. I love you all so very much.
Oh, that you would turn from darkness to Light. |
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| it was a good one through and through |
[May. 18th, 2009|02:23 am] |
| [ | Listening To |
| | Under Control | ] |
Today was beautiful. There wasn't a cloud in the sky for miles and miles and miles and the sun was just warm enough to ward off discomfort but wasn't itself uncomfortable. The breeze that sporadically skipped through the yard was like the perfect drink of cold water after the war.
We spent the day at my parents' house lazily shifting between yard-work and yard-sitting with the perfect rhythm that can only be witnessed elsewhere on the banks of a massive muddy river.
Tonight we were the long way home, holding hands in silence blanketed delicately in the soft tones of music perfect for the steady motion of night two-lane highway driving. Our love spoke in subtleties, that diverse and complex language of the divine. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2009|02:31 am] |
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tonight I held her hand on the couch with a teacup pup stretched across one rib to another while the thunder and lightning sang and danced outside. |
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| the truth in everything? |
[May. 13th, 2009|02:41 pm] |
Listening to old random recordings from '03-'04 is an interesting endeavor. So many rambling stories and off-beat songs that make little to no sense. There's one of my friend and I and I'm pretty drunk and he's an amazing guitarist and the two things don't really mesh well at times, but it doesn't matter.
Right now I'm listening to Stupid Monologue. It's a bit fascinating because it paints a portrait of me that I've never forgotten, though I feel I've outgrown. It's amazing to hear how Godless I was when I was younger.
"We're all lying to ourselves. That's our story forever. I'm going to lie to myself today, i'm going to put the blinders and not pay attention to what's going on around me and live in a little bubble and enjoy my own little world, I guess. I don't know."
That reminds me of 1 John 1:8 - If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth.
Interesting to say the least. I wonder to whom some of these records are dedicated or about.
It probably doesn't matter. Regardless, there's a spirit captured in the rawness of my early recordings that I feel is missing from my later works. So it goes. I've got plans for rebuilding. |
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| sl.e.e.p.l.e.s.s n.i..g...h....t.....s last f_o_r_e_v_e_r |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|02:22 am] |
| [ | Listening To |
| | Running in Circles | ] |
they say it's a window...
but where does the soul exist?
I usually feel safe, peace in the storm
my house built on rock
but today the wind is raging
and the torrents beat the roof without mercy
the windows
blown violently like a candle, broken glass
sprinkled and tinkling at my feet
and I'm to stay calm???
So I try
on my knees, desperate
true desire
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
-Mark 11:24
belief.
I don't even know what that looks like.
They say faith is a gift
so I pray for more
but still I feel like a wave......
(But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.
-James 1:6)
........................tossed and tossing like a sleepless night
O, these sleepless nights
worried and brow furrowed
as the clock mocks
I offer prayer aloud
and sadly
I feel like I'm just
talking
to
the
ceiling
this heart is a sinking ship
the empty ocean of my chest
I CRY OUT FOR REST WITH ALL MY STRENGTH
and deep inside, lost somewhere within
I know it will come...
...for he grants sleep to those he loves.
-Psalm 127:2d
so I remember the very words of God through Christ Jesus:
Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.
-Matthew 6:27, 34
Have mercy on me...
today's trouble was enough for tomorrow. |
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| w ould the ri gh teo us re ma i n? |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|05:30 am] |
| [ | Listening To |
| | Oh God, Where Are You Now? (In Pickeral Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackin) | ] |
being an e-hermit has its advantages: i highly doubt anyone reads this godforsaken thing anymore
So we did fall in love and for that I'm grateful
but now i'm scared of falling
falling down
falling again
again and again
I can't sleep tonight
a kidney stone and a breaking heart
Lord, everything hits at once
where is my trust when i feel like a spiritual punching bag
to praise in all situations feels false
which I guess is why you request it
now when i'm at the end of my rope
i know i can't go any further
my strength failing
my arms upstretched to heaven
a weak and feeble plea on my parched lips
Oh God, where are you now? |
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| Inside Out side In |
[Sep. 9th, 2008|03:22 am] |
| [ | Listening To |
| | No Matter How Hard I Try, I Never Remember the Alamo | ] |
it's after 3 and i told myself i would be asleep by now
there are some things that just need attention
like a blind friend who speaks heartache after midnight
like the dishes after a long, hard talk
like the moving of garbage bags, an empty for full
like pictures that capture a soul in motion
a motionless moment of truth
with just the right words to explain
the dance of perfect mist with dirt flesh
the words are where I am (amn't?)
sometimes i'm on the inside looking out
thinking i'm on the outside looking in
i'm never sure where i am anymore |
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| invi sible as the sound of an owl call ing in the ni gh t |
[Aug. 31st, 2008|03:08 pm] |
Today I feel invisible and I can't put my finger on why that is.
I feel like there are a million things I should be doing
but am not doing anything.
I'm listening to music and editing pictures
and deleting them
and editing again
and deleting
and editing
and deleting
edit delete edit delete
and I haven't eaten today.
I don't have much food
and I'm not exactly happy with what I have
no money, no money, no food.
breaded frozen fish and instant mash potatoes?
had that yesterday, only not fish, popcorn shrimp.
I think I need a nap.
nice long hard nap
the kind that musses my hair
a thousand strands, 500 directions
discontent
tired
discontent
discontired
distired
displaced.
ill at ease, ill
Leaving/Letting Go, Vague
have you ever heard an owl fly? |
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| a s....l....o....w de cay |
[Aug. 29th, 2008|03:25 pm] |
where has the time gone,
the time where I sat for hours
a pen and headphones my only companions?
I guess this is what happens
when you "get a life";
somewhere something dies
a softly whispered fading sacrifice
incomplete,
merely resources depleted. |
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| don' t ge t a ny big i de as |
[Aug. 27th, 2008|01:15 am] |
they're not gonna happen
I need to keep my feet on the ground
same as always
don't need to go and get myself carried away
I so often get swept into the current
I bite off more than I can chew
I ignore signs, ignore wisdom/discernment
and maybe sometimes that's not true.
I'd say I am conflicted
same as always
does anything ever change?
there's a m.e.t.a.l. sliver in my finger
and everything i touch sends ~~shivers~!~ all through my body
and my brain tingles and it feels like a gong
shattered in my head and there are letters
swirling and crashing and clanging and banging
and what once were thoughts and words
are now a bowl of alphabet soup
dropped to the floor: shattered sloppy splat
letters mix with blood and blood with letters
and my body twitches and my eyes shake
my neck snaps and I grunt.
I hate that feeling.
and somehow all of this ties together with big ideas
I have a lot of them:
love, life, learn, leap, f.a..l...l.
I mean, I haven't listened to In Rainbows for some time
and today All I Need circled and swirled like vultures
swooping and soaring in a jet stream
riding the sun beams without effort
as if God himself cradled them in his arms
and guided them along gracefully
in such a way that their wings flap,
infrequent as a lunar eclipse.
Oh, that I had wings like a dove;
then I would fly away and rest!
I would fly far away
to the quiet of the wilderness.
Psalm 55:6,7 (NLT)
So often that has been my dream, my lament;
the flight of a bird, the freedom of a breeze
and so many times my heart has been troubled
fears overwhelmed me as so much mud and quicksand
I was too scared to fight
too scared to breathe
scared to live.
But not so today.
I'm floating loosely
down a lazy river
and today feels like the first day of the rest of my life
this is the first day of my life
this is life.
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| p.a.n.d.a. |
[Aug. 26th, 2008|10:55 pm] |
my first panda shot on my beautiful Traveler.
notice the bag tied to the frame. that was how I transported my new bike lock. I walked my bike into Wal-Mart to try and find a lock there but the dude at the door was a total jerk and wouldn't even let me leave the bike up front near him so it wouldn't get stolen. I was pissed. I hid the bike behind the store and went back in. It's a good thing he didn't say anything to me because I was fuming. I'm afraid of what I might have said. srsly.
It didn't matter in the end because that crap store didn't have any bike locks. I went back to Target (the first place I looked earlier that day) and bought the one I didn't want to spend $13 on. So it goes.
I'm glad I didn't submit my money to Wally-World anyway. I hate that store so much. |
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| so.me.th.in.g m.or.e t.an.gi.bl.e |
[Aug. 25th, 2008|12:16 pm] |
Classes start today. I've been to 1/3 and it wasn't as painful as I thought. We'll be studying Milton with an emphasis on Paradise Lost.
The professor pointed out that Milton's Paradise Lost has had tremendous influence on culture since it's publication. It's been the third most read book in English (I don't what the date of that accomplishment has included, if it is current or if there was an era that it phased out). One example he listed was that Eve's temptation with an apple was introduced by Milton and has been a common "misconception" since his writing Paradise Lost. The truth is that Scripture reads "fruit" with not mention of any specific type. That's mighty fascinating.
I saw a man reading Paradise Lost as he was riding the Metra into Chicago two weeks ago. I turned and asked how he felt about it and he said it was enjoyable. He told me that I should get a head start on it before my class began. I thought that a splendid idea, but never followed through because I was so busy painting over the summer and it completely slipped my mind. I did try and find it once on the book shelf at my house here in DeKalb, but I didn't see it where it last sat. I filed the need to read in the back of my mind and never retrieved that file.
( I've taken to wearing glasses sometimes when I'm reading. (picture after cut) )
( My housemates and some friends and I have been going downtown Chicago every other week for a few months now. )
The most interesting thing is that I would be on the streets like them if it weren't for the grace of my parents and, more importantly, the grace of God. |
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| Chuck Norris? |
[Jul. 25th, 2008|12:40 pm] |
THE Chuck Norris?
Yes. THE Chuck Norris. Here's a brilliant article he wrote for Human Events Online at humanevents.com.
If you don't read this article and agree with Chuck Norris about the declining decency of American society, he's gonna take his "Black Belt Patriotism" and roundhouse kick you back to the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
What the Bleep?!
by Chuck Norris
Jesse Jackson (on an off-air mic before "Fox & Friends") and Whoopi Goldberg (and another host on "The View") have raised the cultural language debate to a new level: Who has the right to say the N-word? Their answer: Blacks can, but whites can't. Unfortunately, this derogatory debate has degraded into Don Imus on steroids.
I agree with a lot that Whoopi had to say about the imbalances between the races. But I disagree with her for going off on an intentional N-word marathon, which was bleeped out repeatedly in order to demonstrate her point. There's a reason her diatribe was bleeped and our society still veils our full expression of the N-word: because it still is regarded by most as derogatory and demeaning. (Even among blacks, the N-word obviously can be defamatory, as Jesse Jackson proved when he used it in the same breath he used to describe how he would like to cut off Barack Obama's genitalia.)
This is more than a race issue and far more than a debate over freedom of speech. When will we learn that just because we can say something doesn't mean that we should? Once again, we're confusing liberty for licentiousness. It is a classic example of what happens when a society leaves its moral absolutes: Everything becomes culturally relative, with each deciding what's right in his own eyes. Language is one more infected arena in America's societal degradation.
Think about it. What word is nasty or unwholesome anymore? There are no "bad words." Words once considered evil are now terms of endearment. There's the B-word, the D-word, the A-word, the F-word, etc. Even bleeps are mere blips on America's moral radar screens. When ministers use G-- d--- in their sermons and moral activists threaten to cut off a presidential candidate's genitals and call him the N-word, can't we see the signs that we're heading in the wrong direction? We have become desensitized to everything, from profanity to pornography.
Today's America is certainly not the one in which I grew up during the '40s and '50s. Profanity of any sort was wrong back then and frowned upon by most in private or public use. Today profanity has become a positive form of expression, with studies even showing that it releases stress and boosts morale at the workplace!
I genuinely believe we can do better. I believe we must do better. We need to leave a better legacy of decency, civility and respect for future generations. I believe we need to give them our best, and our best must be more than justifying the use of derogatory language based upon cultural or racial relativity or even freedom of speech. If we're going to reverse negative trends among our youth, it's going to begin with us establishing a better model for them of how we treat and speak about others.
Whoopi proposed that we must find a "new way to move forward." I propose that that new way is not new at all, but an old way that has been discarded and forgotten. It is a way that simultaneously addresses equality, respect and decency. It is a way that was promoted by America's Founders and eventually resulted in increased unity and civility across the land. And it is also a way that I devote an entire chapter to in my upcoming book, "Black Belt Patriotism." The chapter's titled "Reclaim the value of human life." Here's a little of what I say in it:
"The Founders believed equality would give legs to freedom. As John Adams said, 'We should begin by setting conscience free. When all men of all religions … shall enjoy equal liberty, property, and an equal chance for honors and power … we may expect that improvements will be made in the human character and the state of society.'
"The Founders knew that America was not perfect. Slavery, in particular, troubled the consciences of many of them. … Nevertheless, our Founders believed there was something inherent in humanity that called it to a higher purpose. For all the shortcomings of early American society, the remedy was always there -- expressed in the founding documents of our nation. The Declaration of Independence set America's course. Though we have sometimes drifted from its highest principles, all Americans have ever had to do was steer by its compass to acknowledge or rediscover the inherent equality of slaves, women, the poor, Indians, and the unborn. All were -- and are -- children of God, endowed by their creator with 'certain unalienable rights.' …
"The Founders could not immediately abolish slavery. It was too entrenched in the economy of the South, but the Declaration eroded its foundations in a way that made its end inevitable. That 'all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights' is one of the most powerful principles ever enunciated in the history of politics."
And that power can be unleashed again to help us in our day. The sooner we get back to our Founders' words, our country's original calling, the sooner we will start treating one another (red, yellow, black and white) as our Founders' prescribed and the sooner we will get beyond these slanderous debates about language and humanity. It's time to grow up, America -- to move beyond the arguments of yesteryear. You're older than 200 now. It's time to act your age. |
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| hahaha |
[Jun. 28th, 2008|10:51 pm] |
This is Nate. This is Hairy. Nate and Hairy do get along, I promise.
 |
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| thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged |
[Jun. 18th, 2008|08:01 pm] |
car crash, car crashed
I think my mind crashedthe car
and my chest is exploding.
old wounds never heal
not in this body
probably not in this life
old aches never rest
days I wish I were blind
nights I wish I were deaf
and moment by moment I wish my mind would turn off
emergency kill switch, ignition disabled
all my ducks in a row and I still can't figure out which way they go.
are they coming or going?
and I? coming or going?
and where are You?
eternal companion whose name I sometimes forget
no, lie to myself,
believe that I've forgotten
but You never forget, not about me
I read I'm in Your every thought?
You delight in me?
How is that even possible?
I fail. I fail everything; I fail everyone.
but You never turn
You never leave
You never walk away
You cast no shadow
I forget so easily.
caught by the drift and pitch of whatever it is
that keeps me coming back
I want out
'cause i'm getting sick
sick from all this swerving
driver, sick from turning on You |
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| talking shit about a pretty sunset |
[Jun. 10th, 2008|07:13 pm] |
I M ridiculous.
and not in a good way
ridiculous
to the point, incredulous
Irony
how I hate you
for so many reasons
, for I am eternally susceptible
inept, will I always be?
daft, will I never change?
I M sorry
rings lame, pathetic, incapable-
of expressing my truest heart
I changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself
So that's when I should put my trust Elsewhere
How many times will I fail?
How many times will I fall short?
Always, but that's not what I'm getting at
I'm getting at Other's
those around me
I'm a black hole
oh, my black heart, why are you such a fool?
Had I read today's verse
I probably could have kept the bottom from falling out
kept the sewage from leaking
because the way it became was not the way it should have been
not the way I wanted it
not the way I really felt
Yet again, my own words take the sword from its scabbard
and cut to shreds everything
everyone
and I want to disappear
to cease to exist
to wander into a sunset
forget my face
forget my name
Proverbs 13:3
He who guards his mouth preserves his life;
He who opens wide his lips shall have destruction. |
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| On days like today... |
[May. 24th, 2008|03:12 am] |
| [ | Listening To |
| | Bowerbirds | ] |
For some strange reason, I am often drawn to the phrase, "how green the grass grows." I have no idea why I'm drawn to that, but it's oh, so alluring, especially on days like today when nothing seems to be going right. It's not the alliteration, though that is especially tasty. No, it's far deeper than that. Something about the word green, the color green, beckons me. Maybe it's the promise of health, the renewal of life so brightly displayed in new leaves and buds on trees and the grass bursting forth in Spring. What is so powerful about how green the grass grows?
Maybe it has something to do with the nature of grass. Grass grows like hair, deceptively slow until it's suddenly quite obviously different, requiring special attention in certain circumstances. The idea of watching the grass grow embodies the truest essence of being carefree. To have the luxury of that time, time to just lie back and watch the clouds and feel the warm sun seeping below the skin while a calm and soothing breeze dances lazily, is something that money just cannot buy. But there is something more, there is another reason I'm drawn to green and how green the grass grows.
( I remember my mother reading Psalm 23 to me every night before I would go to sleep. ) |
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| "Where's the r?" It's in there. It's just silent. Until I say it. |
[May. 11th, 2008|02:19 am] |
| [ | Listening To |
| | Surf Jan Steve Ens. | ] |
Yeah
So I'm sitting in your room right now
and you keep asking what's going on inside
and I can't really put it into words
like even now, there aren't really words.
I feel it, too, but I can't make sense of it
there's not a name for it.
I kinda wonder
Distracted by irrelevance
The stress and the tension
The stress and the tension
I'm in a lull
I really wish I had a name
an explanation
a reason
but I don't.
All I have is me.
and I don't even know what that means.
I like that you see through me, though.
inner turmoil.
I don't think I'd go so far as to call it that.
I'd call it...
a ... . . . confusion?
muddled
muddied
messy.
rest my weary eyes
and I will see more clearly
slow my racing heart
and I will feel what's real
start breathing again
and I will settle down and live
Maybe I've not drank enough Water
or stopped in Green Pastures
I've been nonstop animated
claymation in live action
film sped up so you can see the hands shaping and molding
wet lumpy clay into the varied shapes and sizes
moving moving moving those little animals
smashing and reshaping for each new scene
nothing slips and falls behind the scenes
nothing is hidden from the camera.
Monday is the last day of the semester
I'll start breathing then
I'll start breathing again
and I'll find peace
and my heart will slow down
and my thoughts will drift and settle like silt
and my eyes will softly close.
Behind my closed eyes I hope
that I will continue seeing yours.
so, no, I can't tell you what I'm doing
what I'm working on
because it will ruin this whole thing. |
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| I miss you more than I thought |
[May. 4th, 2008|02:31 am] |
| [ | Listening To |
| | Edit the Sad Parts | ] |
I don't recall the last time I missed
a person as much as I miss you
tonight.
I know that
if you were here at home
only 5 miles from where I soon will lay my head
I probably wouldn't miss you as much
for there isn't a whole state line and time zone
that has cleanly cleaved us,
where at any moment a mere ring of the phone
is capabe of reuniting us as
rivers effortlessly join the sea.
Instead
I'm on the internet
looking at stunningly beautiful photographs,
numerous as the sands,
you've taken through time
the majority you have captured before you even knew of my existence.
(but you did know of my existence
a name without a face
a one-sided story)
Sometime today after I've:
fallen asleep
awoken
praised + learned
eaten
worshiped alone
worked diligently;
you will return and
"maybe" call me.
When you do, it is a fact
that we will embrace.
I will cherish your touch
and savor your warmth;
as I have never before in the entirety of life
missed anyone as I now miss you tongight. |
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